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Joke thread

The officer pulled over an elderly driver and asked,
"Didn't you realize your wife fell out of the car a couple of miles back?"

"Thanks," the old gent said, "I thought I had gone deaf."
 
This was from November 2001:
Rodney Dangerfield’s publicist announced Saturday that the legendary comic had suffered a mild heart attack on Thanksgiving, the same day as his 80th birthday. While they were wheeling Rodney in to the hospital, he reportedly exclaimed out loud, "Hey! Who got me this gift?"
 
"Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?"

"Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?"

"No, for using the wrong club."
 
A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
 
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield that said, "Parking Fine."

So that was nice.
 
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
 
A professional golfer in his Porsche picked up a young Irish backpacker who was hitchhiking around Australia.
He had all of his golfing gear sitting on the back seat.

She picked up the tees, looked inquiringly at them and asked, "What are these."

"They are tees. I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" exclaimed the girl, "What will those car makers think of next?"
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> Good one, Meigger.


Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
 
I likeed that one. Good way to know for sure how many there were. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />

<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/Humor.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<i>That was great, Meigger!</i> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
 
Then there was the elderly gentleman who had serious hearing problems for years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%

The old bloke went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoon.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Little James tells his mother how much fun he and his father had while she was interstate for five days on a business trip.

"Everyday Aunt Miriam visited us and brought candy for me. Daddy entertained her with wine, and then they did the same thing you and Uncle Dick do when dad is out of town."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/mobmain.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/5.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
I liked that one Salty. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/me.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":onya" border="0" alt="me.gif" />

A chihuahua, a doberman and a german shepardare in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
'The collie replies:, "That's not good enough."

The shepherd says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the chihuahua says, Liver alone...cheese mine."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/gspz0227.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/thugotmail.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/far-side-cat-fud.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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