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Joke thread

<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/5e73re2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
here was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
 
"Get this," ssaid the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was down at the pub with you blokes, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. Poor bastard. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
 
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
 
Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-atlantic flight. Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries, "Make me feel like a woman one more time.

Rising to the occassion, the man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />

Best I've heard in a long time!!^^^^
 
A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words "sex' and "love". The woman wrote, "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I do, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex".

Bob wrote, "I love sex".
 
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/6c49re2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/19a5re2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<!--sizeo:5--><span style="font-size:18pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#0000FF--><span style="color:#0000FF"><!--/coloro-->The AFLAC Scam<!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->

Watch out for this scam. Police say that the gang usually comprises four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of

friendliness , the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets

and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.

The attached picture taken from CCTV shows the gang in operation.



















<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/get-attachment.aspx-1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/25eare2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

Salty, I have seen that duck. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<i>I think he is out of work since AFLAC canned him so he's resorted to scamming.</i> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />




<!--sizeo:5--><span style="font-size:18pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Picture of moon from an airplane --- Breathtaking!<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->



<!--sizeo:3--><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Rarely do all the factors line up...lighting, distance,
clarity, composition, etc. so that a terrific picture is taken.

This is such a time.


A spectacular view of moon from an aircraft.
<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->















<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/get-attachment-1.aspx-1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist ask him why he is there.

The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you seen a doctor?"

And the man replies, "No, just spots."
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a handsome prince."

The engineer bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I'll be your devoted boyfriend."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket.

Finally, the frustrated frog asked, "What the hell is wrong with you, what's the matter? I've told you I'm a handsome prince, and that I'll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog......that's freaking cool."
 
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/281dre2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/Apple.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts?!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
 
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