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    Maelstrom New Horizons


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Joke thread

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I had a dog once. I named him Spot. Unfortunately, I accidentally spilled spot remover on him, and now he's disappeared.
 
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"I can't find the cause of your illness," said the doctor, "But, I think it may be due to drinking."

"In that case," replied the blonde, "I shall come back when you are sober."
 
In a bathroom in New York somewhere, if you tell a lie you disapear. A Brunette walks into the bathroom. "I am the Hottest girl in New York!" POOF she disappeared. A red headed girl walks into the bathroom. "I am the smartest girl in New York!!" POOF she disappeared. A blonde walks in the bathroom. "I Think..." POOF she disappears.
 
They left home and arrived at the airport laden with luggage, most of it hers. They managed to cart the seven suit cases, triple-deck make-up case, and five bags of hand luggage to the check-in counter by which time the husband mournfully mumbled, "God, I wish I'd brought the piano with me.

"No need to be sarcastic," she snapped.

"No, really," he replied, "I left the plane tickets on top of it."
 
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
 
A young husband e-mailed home from his job: "Made foreman. Feather in my cap."

A few days later he wrote: "Made Manager. Another feather."
After weeks of silence he sent: "Fired. Send money for bus fare."

His wife e-mailed back: "Use feathers and fly home."
 
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.

One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.

All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.

The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."
 
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After a holiday on the Sunshine coast a young man boarded the aeroplane for the flight home with a parcel of freshly caught crabs for his girlfriend to eat with a bottle of champagne that night.

The hostess took them from him and put them in the fridge for safe keeping. The plane landed, the passengers were asked to remain seated until the plane came to a halt.

"And will the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Cairns, please come forward."
 
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
 
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