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Joke thread

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A man woke up one morning to a big commotion and ran out to his backyard and saw there was a big gorilla up in one of his trees. He ran back in his house wondering what to do, so he opened the yellow pages and found "Gorilla Removal Service", so he called the number.

The serviceman asked him is it a male or female gorilla. The homeowner said he was certain it was a male gorilla because he was "abusing himself" while hanging from a branch. The serviceman said "Ok we can handle that, I'll be right over".

The serviceman soon arrived in a pick-up truck. In the truck was a big stick, a pit bull dog named Jerome, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. The serviceman got out of the truck and sized up the situation....

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, I’m gonna need your help to get this here gorilla out of you tree, Ya see, I'm going to climb up the tree and poke the gorilla in the feet with this stick until he slips and falls to the ground.

Jerome here, is trained to immediately charge on over and bite the gorilla on the balls. Jerome won’t let go and the gorilla won’t be able to see from the pain he'll be in, so when the gorilla puts his hands down in front of him to get the dog off, you slap the handcuffs on him. I’ll take over then and put the gorilla in the truck and haul him off."

With that, he handed the homeowner the shotgun.

"Ok, I got it." the homeowner replied. "But what’s this here shotgun for?"

"Oh, yea, the shotgun...now, if I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, you shoot Jerome."
 
A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."

"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.

"I tried that," replied the blonde, "But I couldn't breathe..."
 
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
 
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I"ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one amoung you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.
 
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
 
How To Clean A Cat:

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
Danger Mouse
 
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A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."

"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
 
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.
 
Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down, does his business and flies off. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?" The Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but
my ass sure hurts."
 
Most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought, "This is unusual.'

The dentist said to me, Mr. Buxton, get out of the filing cabinet."
 
What are the three fastest ways of communication? Three fastest means of communication in the world are:

1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.



You still want faster?
4. Tell her not to tell anyone.
 
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An Indian moves to Mesa, Arizona and walks into a Mega-Lo-Mart department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says, "Um, Yeah, I was salesman trainee back home".

Well, the manager liked the looks of the young man, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?"

"Um, Ok I get it," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The Indian says, "Um, Make-um one"

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day.

"How much was the sale for?"

The Indian says, "Um, $101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The Indian replied, "First I sell him small fish hook. Then I sell him medium fishhook. Then I sell him large fishhook.

"....Then I sell him new fishing rod. Then I ask him "Where you going fishing?", and he said down the coast, so I tell him he need boat, so we go down to boat department, and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he don't think Honda Civic will pull it, so I take him down to automotive department and sell him 4X4 Pajero."

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The Indian says, "No, no, he come here to buy box of Tampons for wife so I say, "Since weekend's already screwed, you should just go fishing."
 
Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"
 
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Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!".

Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
 
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