• New Horizons on Maelstrom
    Maelstrom New Horizons


    Visit our website www.piratehorizons.com to quickly find download links for the newest versions of our New Horizons mods Beyond New Horizons and Maelstrom New Horizons!

Joke thread

<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/funnytoons06.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Should Children Witness Childbirth?


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house
was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him
by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place......whoop him again!"
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/72e3.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
 
"She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/whippa.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":whipa" border="0" alt="whippa.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/funnytoons11.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/funnytoons14.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/224.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
 
A flight dispatcher watches a plane somehow manage to spin on the tarmac and land tail end forward. "Flight Tango Victor Foxtrot, what the heck is going on?" he shouts into the microphone, "Let me speak to the Captain!"
"The c...c...the captain is drunk," comes the reply.
"Then give me the second pilot,"
"He, he's d...d...d...Drunk too."
"Well, and who's talking?"
"A...auto...p...p...p...pilot.."
 
A little boy dresses up as a pirate for halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment. The first house he goes to he says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?" The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?" The boy looks are her angrily and says "On the side of my buckin head!"
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/funnytoons07.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who in the hell was that??"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my new mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"Oh, That's <i>his</i> mistress," says her husband.

With out hesitation the wife leans back in her seat and says "Hmmm, ours is much prettier".
 
The priest was having a heart-to-heart talk with a lapsed member of his flock, whose drinking of cheap cask wine invariably led to quarrelling with his neighbours, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the drunk. "It makes me miss the people I shoot at."
 
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her
might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got
caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued
to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.
 
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally,
his wife stopped the nagging and said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
A pirate with a peg leg, a hook and an eye-patch walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Where did you get that peg leg?"

The Pirate replies, "We were swimming one day on the high seas, when a big shark came up and bit off me leg."

The bartender asks, "Well, where did you get the hook, then?"

The pirate responded, "We were in a battle with Capt'n Bloodeye, and my hand was cut off at the bone."

The bartender asks, "Then where did ya get the eye patch?"

The pirate says, "One day, I looked up a gull flying over head and it pooped right in me eye."

The puzzled bartender says, "Why would you need an eye patch after that?"

The pirate replies, "First day with the hook..."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/get-attachment.aspx.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top