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Joke thread

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
 
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/gspz0521.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were facing execution via firing squad.

The firing squad took the brunette first, and the leader said, "Ready, aim ... " at which point the brunette yelled out "Earthquake!!!"

The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette escaped.

Undaunted, the firing squad took the redhead next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the redhead yelled "Tornado!!!"

The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redhead escaped.

The firing squad took the blonde last, and by now the blonde had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim ... ", the blonde yelled out "Fire!!!"
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/jkn0321l.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/alien02.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
That's another reason why their pissed. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_mrgreen1.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":cheeky" border="0" alt="icon_mrgreen1.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/babin.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/gspz0214.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
 
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"
 
A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you, who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hands.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

3 students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one
has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big Arkansas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiiit! , from way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats.'
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/SCELETs.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" /> I don't get it. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wacko.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":wacko:" border="0" alt="wacko.gif" />
 
<!--quoteo(post=254078:date=May 1 2008, 02:13 AM:name=Cylon13)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Cylon13 @ May 1 2008, 02:13 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=254078"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" /> I don't get it. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wacko.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":wacko:" border="0" alt="wacko.gif" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Obviously she has had other lovers hanging out the window when her husband came home unexpectedly.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/rfcurrent-full.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<!--quoteo(post=254221:date=May 2 2008, 04:30 AM:name=Old Salt)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Old Salt @ May 2 2008, 04:30 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=254221"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><!--quoteo(post=254078:date=May 1 2008, 02:13 AM:name=Cylon13)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Cylon13 @ May 1 2008, 02:13 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=254078"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" /> I don't get it. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wacko.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":wacko:" border="0" alt="wacko.gif" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Obviously she has had other lovers hanging out the window when her husband came home unexpectedly.
<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

Ouch! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
And for a long time at that. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piratesing.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shock" border="0" alt="piratesing.gif" />
 
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