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Joke thread

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/OT106_500.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/funny-cartoons.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
 
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is
cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own
head.

Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
Shoot.

The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/get-attachmentaspx-3.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" />
 
@Salty: <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/gasprices.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
One night a drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom waking up his
wife. his wife sits up and see’s her husband holding a sheep under his arm.
"This is the Pig I’ve been f**king" he yells.
"You Idiot", says the wife "Thats not a pig, its a sheep"
The farmer yells, "I was talking to the sheep"
 
<!--quoteo(post=258186:date=May 23 2008, 07:11 AM:name=Old Salt)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Old Salt @ May 23 2008, 07:11 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=258186"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/gasprices.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

That has got to hurt. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/pirate3.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p2" border="0" alt="pirate3.gif" /> I mean getting 9 arms or 9 legs or 9 first borns... <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ko.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":ko" border="0" alt="ko.gif" /> well getting nine first borns seems to be easier task than sawing arms and legs off. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rolleyes:" border="0" alt="rolleyes.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/image10.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/image8.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A little while later, the guy with the big car gets his revenge. He's going for a parking space when the little car nips in ahead of him. The driver gets out and says "You have to be young and quick to do that".

The big car doesn't stop, drives into the parking space anyway, and flattens the small car. The driver gets out, writes down his insurance details, hands them over and says "You have to be old and rich to do that".
 
Good one, Grey. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/G8.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
"I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August." --Jay Leno
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />



While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

A rectum stretcher!

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
 
here's another one. for some reason it really makes me laugh. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> roadrunner cat!

edit: rats. i wanted to post another one, but it's gone missing.
 
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