• New Horizons on Maelstrom
    Maelstrom New Horizons


    Visit our website www.piratehorizons.com to quickly find download links for the newest versions of our New Horizons mods Beyond New Horizons and Maelstrom New Horizons!

Joke thread

photo-5.jpg
 
I was in court accused of speeding and driving while drunk. The first thing I did was drop my trousers. The judge said "Put them back on or I'll fine you for being in contempt of court". I said "I'm just exercising my rights. The police officer who arrested me said 'Anything you say can be taken down and used as evidence in court', so I said 'My trousers'. Exhibit A."

The judge said "How do you plead to the charge of speeding?" I said "Guilty with extenuating circumstances". The judge said "What circumstances?" I said "The Earth is going round the Sun at about 67000 mph, so I always breaking the speed limit, and so is everyone else". The judge said "Everyone else isn't on trial here, you are". So then I said "In that case I refer to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which says you can't know both the speed and location of an object. Either the police officer can't know what speed I was doing, or he can't prove I was in the speed limit zone". The judge said "That only applies to sub-atomic particles". I said "So are you discriminating against me because of my size?" The judge said "The police officer might not be able to get your speed and position down to sub-atomic precision but he can get them close enough. Guilty."

The judge continued "How do you plead to the charge of drunk driving?" I said "I was drunk as a judge." The judge said "Don't you mean 'drunk as a lord'?" I said "Yes, your lordship." He said "You're in danger of being in contempt of court again." I said "On the contrary, I only meant that I was no more drunk then than you are." The judge said "Bad move", pulled out a bottle of rum, downed the lot, and said "Guilty (hic)".
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
 
Pilot's report: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Engineer's report: "Live bugs on order."
 
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
 
There were two brothers who loved baseball- all they ever talked about and watched on their large television.

When they grew to adulthood the brothers talked to each other while watching baseball " I wonder what Baseballs like in heaven" said -well lets call him Bob. So they waited and turns out Bob went to heaven first leaving his brother Rob. One day after waiting many months- Bob returned. " So how's Heaven and Baseball?" asked Rob- " I have good news and bad news, Good news: we have some good teams and players I still play 1st base, Bad news is you're scheduled to pitch tommorow".
 
My response to some of the stupid questions I receive while giving tours on Pilgrim:
The first addresses "Is this a real pirate ship?"
Post Captain said:
I always have to bite my tongue at that one. Popular responses, for those of you who haven't heard these already include "Yes. By the way... you're going to have to give me your camera and wallet," and "No. We thought about it for awhile, and determined that we were a little outgunned by the Coast Guard."

My favorite answer to "where is the plank?" is to point at the deck and hull and say, "Well, there's a plank there, and there's a plank there, and there's a plank there, and there's a plank there, and there's one right over there and there's a plank there, and there's a plank there........."
Click to expand...

We have since decided that if we did go pirate, the Coast Guard would send out two auxiliary members on paddle boards to arrest us.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top