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Joke thread

There's a man out in the desert, buried up to his neck in the sand. Another man comes along and says "That's terrible! Not to worry, though - I'll get my shovel and dig you out". The buried man says "It had better be a big shovel, then". The other guy says "Why?" and the buried man says "I'm sitting on my horse".
 
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blond shouts, "fire!!"
 
A blonde is skipping along a railway track, singing "Forty-six! Forty-six! Forty-six!" A brunette sees this, thinks it looks fun, and joins in. Both of them continue skipping along, singing "Forty-six! Forty-six! Forty-six!" Then the blonde jumps off, a train goes past and flattens the brunette, and the blonde starts skipping along the track again singing "Forty-seven! Forty-seven! Forty-seven!"
 
Q: What do you call an eternity? ​
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. ​
​
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? ​
A: Toes Go In First. ​
​
Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common? ​
A: You always hear about them but never see them. ​
​
Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? ​
A: They think their picture is being taken.​
​
 
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 
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