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Joke thread

There was a rich man who lived in a big house which had a big garden with a swimming pool at the far end. One night he awoke to hear noises coming from the pool, and when he went to investigate he saw some teenagers swimming.
"You kids will need to get out of there", he said.
"What are you, a pervert or something?" replied one of the female teenagers. "We haven't any clothes on and we're not coming out while you're there".
"Don't worry, I'm not here to watch you", said the man. "I'm just here to feed the crocodile."
 
My friend didn't react well to being sent to jail. He swore, he spat, he refused food, and ultimately he smeared his excrement on the walls.

That's the last time we ever let him play Monopoly.
 
A man met a woman in a bar and asked "If I pay you $1,000,000 will you sleep with me?"
She replied "Sure".
He then asked "If I pay you $10 will you sleep with me?"
She replied "What do you think I am, some sort of cheap whore?"
He said "We've already established that you're a whore, now we're just haggling the price".
 
I hope I can be forgiven for necro-ing three years untouched thread, for it is to share a collection of genuine Victorian jokes and puns (curiously in a cookery book, the reasoning provided in the preface):
The family save-all : a system of secondary cookery containing nearly one thousand three hundred invaluable hints for economy in the use of every article of household consumption : Philp, Robert Kemp, 1819-1882 : Free Download & Streaming : Internet Archive

My favourite is a variation on this gem apparently authored by Richard Whately:
Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there. But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.
 
This year's Christmas pantomime will involve pirates, specifically one Captain Jack Sparrow. He's on a quest for magical beans. He's already heard legends of a famous band of pirates renowned for keeping these beans with them, the Pirates of the Carried Beans.

And now he wants to join them. When he finds some beans of his own, he tries to get them to tell him where the legendary pirates can be found. Jack and the Beans Talk.
 
Q: What do sailors play when they’re bored?
A: Cards – because they always have a deck.

Q: How do you make a sick sailboat feel better?
A: Give it some Vitamin Sea.

Q: What do you call the fastest sailboat in the world?
A: Usain Boat.

Q: Where do you take a sick sailboat?
A: To the nearest doc.

Q: Why wasn’t the sailboat ever happy?
A: It wasn’t a Jolly Boat! (Jolly boats are a type of barge).
Sailing Jokes | Jokes about Sailing - Fun Kids Jokes

People may think if its necessary for ships to have sails...
I would say its a mast.
The 90+ Best Sail Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑
 
The Nameless Pirate said:
Q: Why wasn’t the sailboat ever happy?
A: It wasn’t a Jolly Boat! (Jolly boats are a type of barge).
Click to expand...
This sailboat, on the other hand...
Jolly Boat
:p

Adapted from The 90+ Best Sail Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑:
Jamaica, 1799. A prospective Lieutenant in training is taking his final exam at Kingston Naval HQ.
"Alright" says the Admiral giving him his examination, "Here's the scenario - you're close to the shore, and a massive bout of wind is driving your ship unstoppably towards the rocks, what do you do?"

"Well, I'd probably attach a few reserve sails to the starboard side and see if i could turn her."

"It's impossible lad," the admiral says. "The wind is too strong, your ship is still being blown towards the rocks, what do you do?"

Again, the new Lieutenant says "I'd probably attach a few more sails to the starboard side sir".

"Alright fine", says the Admiral "You do this, but the wind still picks up more, what do you do? "

"Attach more sails to the starboard side, sir."

The Admiral loses his temper. "Where on earth are you getting all these sails from?"

"The same place you're getting all your wind from, sir."

Remember this one when you next play the "Hornblower" storyline...
 
Remember this one when you next play the "Hornblower" storyline...
I will, I will remember it when I play "Hornblower".
 
Here are two math jokes:
received_2510236835967343.png IMG-20190502-WA0004.jpg
xD:rofl

Thanks to @Pieter Boelen, for showing me the second one.:cheers

@Jack Rackham, maybe you will especially like them since you are a retired math teacher.
 
Coconut=2
Half a coconut=1
4 Bananas=4
3 Bananas=3
Apple=10

So: Half a coconut+Apple+3 Bananas = 1+10+3=14 :cheeky


And for the second one, I am thinking of using this teqnique in my finals. :rofl
 
Question:
Expand (a+b)^n

Code: 
Answer:
(a+b)^n
= (a  +  b)^n
= (a    +    b)^n
= (a        +        b)^n
(I had to use "code" tags otherwise the multiple spaces don't show up.)
 
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