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Joke thread

<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/get-attachment.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
<!--sizeo:4--><span style="font-size:14pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#008000--><span style="color:#008000"><!--/coloro--><b> I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
</b><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->
 
Now that was <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
 
Here's a little youtube for you viewing pleasure:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvSe2LZyOSs" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvSe2LZyOSs</a>
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/clean.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized. “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

** Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 
Excellent moral. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=";)" border="0" alt="icon_wink.gif" />
 
Never heard that one before, Lazarus, that was good. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":D" border="0" alt="biggrin.gif" />


<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/gspz0501.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/get-attachment-1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
poor dog <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />

professor was eating his lunch quietly in the restaurant. one student came with his meal and set down beside the professor without asking, so professor angrily looked at him and said: have you ever seen an eagle and a pig together at the table? student stood up, picked his plate and answered: ok, I`ll fly away.
 
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/gspz1119.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman...

The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."

So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!"

So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."
 
OK, since my English buds didn't appreciate that one...we'll try this one:

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back. See if he's going to another barber."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house!"
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/catb58.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> Lazarus and Meigger



The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After
theygot their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, Look towards sky,
what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars"

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's
it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> , <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> and <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/ththpenguins2.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/image008MA13062332-0056.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

As a Manager, some days you just can't win.
 
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