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Joke thread

It's a Monkey with a death wish! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/monkeydance.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":mi" border="0" alt="monkeydance.gif" />
<a href="http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=18561874db&realattid=0.1&attid=0.1&disp=attd&view=att&th=1188efafc987621a" target="_blank">Monkey</a>
 
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.

“I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”

“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed, “but what happened to your other ear?”

“The SOB called back!!”
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/meltingsnowman.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/2008-07-03.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?
"Under the wagon!"
 
Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.
"Whats going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"
"Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/1075_0237.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Q: What is the Inuit phrase for a Peeping Tom?

A: Tom Tookalook <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_mrgreen1.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":cheeky" border="0" alt="icon_mrgreen1.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/todays_cartoon.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust'cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow!!!!!'
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/Insideanass.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/naughtyrabbit.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

The following is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

C: "I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
 
Holy sh*t! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> That caller is

<!--sizeo:7--><span style="font-size:36pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->SERIOUSLY RETARDED!<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />

That means that you can expect to see/hear about people who don't even know what mouse or monitor or disk is. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> NUTS! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> I know few people at my place who don't know how to use a computer but that caller is just over the top of retardness. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> It's a lack of IQ! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
WARNING: RATHER DISTASTEFUL, AND POSSIBLY RACIST:

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out.

He'll give 'em each a wish.

Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it...pooof!!

Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it....pooof!!

White guy's turn. "So all the blacks and Mexicans are out of my country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie.

The white guy says, "Well, gimme a Coke."

ALSO:

Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to hell?
A: The Devil gave him his gas bill.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/LateDrunkLipstick.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piratesing.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shock" border="0" alt="piratesing.gif" />
 
<b>Understanding the Worlds' Religions:</b>

Catholicism: If shit happens, then I deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: If shit happens, kill the infidels.

Hinduism: This shit all happened before.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit!

Also:
Q: How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A: Anywhere else they would have called it a teethbrush.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/fixed.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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