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Joke thread

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
 
<img src="http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a32/mindfreak85/christmas032.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v31/jenniferjo/Error_message_jjw.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A Man walks home from a long day at work only to get hit in the head with a frying pan by his wife.

In a Few hours, the man comes to, and he asks his wife, "What the f*ck was that all about?!"

His wife says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket that said Debbie with a phone number!"

The man explains" honey, that was my racehorse, Debbie! I went to the track yesterday and bet on her!"

The man's wife apologizes sincerely.

The next day, the man comes home from work to get a lamp broken on his head.

He says "what the f*ck was that for?!"

His wife says, "Your racehorse called!!!!!"
 
A man took his pet duck to the movie theatre. He was worried about not getting admitted if someone saw the duck, so to hide the duck he stuck it inside his pants. After awhile (inside the movie theatre) the duck began to get uncomfortable, so the man opened his zipper so the duck could stick his head out. That was alot better. There were two women sitting next to him in the theatre. One woman said to the other one, "Muriel, that man has his "thing" out". Muriel said, So what you’ve seen one before. "Yes", replied her friend, "but this one is eating my popcorn!"
 
Next time you go to Mc Donalds you might think twice about getting a snow cone.......lol

<img src="http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j67/SuoiveD01/Jokes/thimage001.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
 
A conversation between a bartender and a man:

Bartender: What happened? You look wrecked!

Man: I had it all - Money, A beautiful house, The love of a beautiful woman…..



Bartender: Then… what went wrong?

Man: Well, then my wife found out!
 
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.

In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
 
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa126/andrewsingle/images-1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric
 
As I work as a technician for a university, I've seen a few ID Ten T errors in my time.

Such as the machine which was reported as having no display. Solution: turn up the brightness control on the display. Unfortunately the user had no brightness control so I couldn't fix the real problem.

Another machine was reported as having no display. I switched on the PC, then e-mailed the guy to say so.
His reply: "And then?"
My reply: "No, that was it. I switched on the PC."

In my previous job, I worked as a technician for a college and also did repairs for surrounding schools. One of these brought in a printer for a Commodore PET. The reported error was that it went through all the motions but didn't actually print anything. Now, this being an old dot-matrix printer, it had an ink ribbon, and it wasn't in a cartridge like modern types; it had the ribbon on two open spools. I noticed that the ribbon was out of line with the print head and put it back. And then I thought: "Hang on - 'goes through motions but doesn't actually print' - it couldn't be that simple?" It was. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":)" border="0" alt="smile.gif" />

A student was trying to switch off a monitor. I tried to tell him where the switch was.
"It's down on the left."
"The left."
"The <i>left</i>."
"It's down here."
 
for problems on my computer, there simply IS no obvious solution. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/happy.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="^_^" border="0" alt="happy.gif" /> you have two options:

1: wait until it fixes itself, usually combined with switching it on and off a dozen times.

2: whack the harddrive once you've turned off the computer.

both work like a charm, and noone knows why.
 
In honor of George Carlin, who died yesterday at 71....


Everyone at the airport always says "Get on the plane, get on the plane."

I say, F**K YOU! I'm getting IN the plane! Evel Knievel can get ON the plane. There seems to be less wind in here!
 
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cause he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses”.
 
And here's my tribute to George:

<b><!--coloro:#ff0000--><span style="color:#ff0000"><!--/coloro--><i>MY NEXT LIFE
By George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then ...


You finish off as an orgasm.


I rest my case</i><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--></b>
 
Good one, Stallion. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbs1.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":2up" border="0" alt="thumbs1.gif" />

More Carlin....


-Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
-Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-In America, anyone can become President. That's the problem.
-I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the -purpose.
-Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
-You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
-I'm completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
-I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
 
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