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Joke thread

<!--quoteo(post=265039:date=Jun 26 2008, 06:50 PM:name=Stallion)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Stallion @ Jun 26 2008, 06:50 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=265039"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><b><!--coloro:#ff0000--><span style="color:#ff0000"><!--/coloro--><i>MY NEXT LIFE</i><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--></b><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->I think there's a film coming out in a while about exactly that same thing. I read in the paper that there's a trailer for it. It stars Brad Pitt if I'm not mistaken.
 
Classic George Carlin Jokes:

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
 
<!--quoteo(post=265222:date=Jun 27 2008, 11:45 AM:name=Pieter Boelen)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Pieter Boelen @ Jun 27 2008, 11:45 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=265222"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><!--quoteo(post=265039:date=Jun 26 2008, 06:50 PM:name=Stallion)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Stallion @ Jun 26 2008, 06:50 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=265039"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><b><!--coloro:#ff0000--><span style="color:#ff0000"><!--/coloro--><i>MY NEXT LIFE</i><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--></b><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->I think there's a film coming out in a while about exactly that same thing. I read in the paper that there's a trailer for it. It stars Brad Pitt if I'm not mistaken.
<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Sounds like something that might be interesting.  <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yes.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":yes" border="0" alt="yes.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/baldlife.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/tip.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/ot116_400.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/LoanShark.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/science1preview.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/rpinecone1preview.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/breakup21preview.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/vegas1preview-1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
 
GOLF

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?' He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
 
BUBBA


Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'


The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'


The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/ass-rape-man.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/OT106_500-1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A Man walks home from a long day at work only to get hit in the head with a frying pan by his wife.

In a Few hours, the man comes to, and he asks his wife, "What the f*ck was that all about?!"

His wife says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket that said Debbie with a phone number!"

The man explains" honey, that was my racehorse, Debbie! I went to the track yesterday and bet on her!"

The man's wife apologizes sincerely.

The next day, the man comes home from work to get a lamp broken on his head.

He says "what the f*ck was that for?!"

His wife says, "Your racehorse called!!!!!"
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/Dalmationsballssqueezed.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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