• New Horizons on Maelstrom
    Maelstrom New Horizons


    Visit our website www.piratehorizons.com to quickly find download links for the newest versions of our New Horizons mods Beyond New Horizons and Maelstrom New Horizons!

Joke thread

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"
 
After a horrible day at the office a man gets home from work. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says, "Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me?"
"Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done."
"Nope, try again."
"Oh, you bought a new dress."
"Nope, keep trying."
"You got your nails done."
"No, try again."
"I give up. I'm too tired to play twenty questions."
"I'm wearing a gas mask!"
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was:

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,

can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
 
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
 
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course."
"Great! I never could before!"
 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying
" that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex ".
Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"
 
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger,
pushed on her left breast and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed.
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said.
"Your finger is broken."
 
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
 
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
And the man replies, "No, just spots."
 
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde:
I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
 
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building."

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
 
Did you hear about the figure-conscious blonde who had square boobs?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
 
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
 
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons...So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said..."I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said..."I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked..."Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said..."No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my face".
 
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill ourt the window right now and make someone very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people ver happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
 
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.
 
"I can't find the cause of your illness, " said the doctor, "But, I think it may be due to drinking."
"In that case," replied the blonde, "I shall come back when you are sober."
 
A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”

The clerk replies “Anything?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.”

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello? … Mom?”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top