• New Horizons on Maelstrom
    Maelstrom New Horizons


    Visit our website www.piratehorizons.com to quickly find download links for the newest versions of our New Horizons mods Beyond New Horizons and Maelstrom New Horizons!

Joke thread

A husband was coming out of anaesthesia after some tests in the hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful.
Flattered, hie wife continued her virgil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?" the wife asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
 
Good one, Meigger. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />

<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/HoHoHo-NoNoNo.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
O'Reilly, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When O'Reilly paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"I sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/Rudolphsrevenge.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Visiting the modern art museum and old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This, I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call Modern Art?"
"No madam," replied the attendant. "That one is called a mirror."
 
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
 
When the young couple married, the wife put a wooden box under the marital bed and warned her husband not to ever open it until she was dead. Time passed and although the husband was sometimes curious, he never broke trust and looked in the box.
After twenty years the wife became unwell and had to spend a lot of time in hospital undergoing surgery. The husband found the evenings long and uneventful in his wife's absence, and one night he couldn't help himself and opened the wooden box.
Inside he found three eggs and $50,000 in notes. He returned them to the box, but when his wife returned from hospital, he asked her to explain.
"What are the eggs for?" he asked.
She looked at him for a long time, and then finally spoke, "Every time I have been unfaithful to you and our marriage I put an egg in the box."
After thinking for a bit, the man reasoned that three instances of betrayal in twenty years wasn't too bad in this day and age. "Fair enough. That's okay, darling. But what about the $50,000?" He asked.
The wife replied, "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
 
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
 
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He askes the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the man's coffee. When this is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls: "And get me another whisky, you idiot". Upset, the stewardess comes back shaking with another whisky - but still no coffee.
By now in desparate need of his coffee, the man tries the parrot's style, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, you moron."
Before they know it, two burly flight stewards storm down the aisle, grab the parrot and the man, yank them out of their seats, and throw them out of the emergency exit.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure complain too much!"
 
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
next!"
 
These two green beans are crossing the freeway when one of them was hit by a semi. His friend scrapes him up and rushes him to the hospital.
After hours of surgery the doctor comes in and says, "I have good news and bad news."
The healthy green bean says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, " The good news is that he's going to live."
"So," says the green bean, "what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life..."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/dailybest.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
"Shaaayyy, buddy what's a 'Breathalyser'?" asked a drunk of his barman.
"That's a bag that tells you when you've drunk too much," answered the barman.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years."
 
Good one, Meigger. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />

<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/beingfive.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A guy sits down in a cafe and asks for the hot chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, No, help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it and he pukes all of the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/00737-funny-cartoons-seagulls.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
 
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
A few years later the company contacted him regardng an impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a paticular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,000
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
 
that sum's incorrect. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/unsure.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":?" border="0" alt="unsure.gif" /> anyway, it's always fun to view this topic once in a while.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top