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    Maelstrom New Horizons


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Joke thread

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"Who likes music?" asks a commander.

Two soldiers step forward.

"Ok you two. I brought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor."
 
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, I'm winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.
 
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-by Grandma."
"The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, I've never seen you work so late, whats the matter,?
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just had the worse day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!!!!"
 
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SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour


COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.


THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.


A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.


IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....


WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> muuuuahahaha
 
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the blonde came in the fabrics shop and requested small curtains. The seller asked for what she need then for? the blonde answered: for my computer, and the seller said: but you do NOT need curtains for computer! blonde: helloooo, i have Windows!
 
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Here's an old one I came across the other day ."Old salts never die they just get saltier" There was a cartoon to go along with it but not suitable for a family site.
 
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