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    Maelstrom New Horizons


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Joke thread

There were two paratrooper recruits in an aeroplane.

"Are you crazy, Doug?" say one, "You're going to jump without a parachute?"

"Is it mandatory to wear one?"

"Sure, It's raining outside."
 
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He
couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to
go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a
large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot,
and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the
whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove
him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why
don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
 
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/scrbc070514.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/thefarside.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/scrbc070501.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/peanuts2916580070813.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the puzzled man.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
 
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/th27d23c11.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/c1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says, "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you."
 
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."


The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/scrbc070801.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/gspz1219.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance frome town, doing what boys and girs do on back roads some distance from town.

The girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
 
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/TastesFunny.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/gspz0504.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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