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Joke thread

Long ago in the Carribean, a new pirate began his career. He had gained reputation as a fierce fighter and an able officer. The crew was pretty confident in thier new captain and waited eagerly to see how he would perform in his first battle command.

Finally, the time was nigh. "Sail ho, captain! Looks like a lugger off the starboard bow!"

There was no way that a lugger would outsail the captain's fine sloop and experienced crew. As the sloop approched and prepared to board, the captain called out to his Quartermaster; "Jonsey! Bring me my red shirt!"

After donning the red shirt, he admirably led his crew to victory!

Over the next few weeks, the story was much the same. A mechant vessel would be sighted, and the captain would call for his red shirt. He then led them to victory after victory.

One afternoon after a particularly good haul, the captain ordered an increased rum ration. As the sailors relaxed and drank, a few of them approched the captain; "Capin! Be it ok if'n we ask ya sumpin about battle?"

"Of course lads, of course! What's on yer minds?"

"Well, we be wonderin' why ya always call for ye red shirt before battle?"

"Good question, lads!" the captain smiled. "The answer is simple indeed. See, when I wear a red shirt, if I get cut and wounded, none of ya sees blood on my shirt! So ya don't lose faith in yer Captain and we continue on and win the day!"

The crew nodded and agreed that this was a very good strategy indeed!

Suddenly, the lookout called out; "Sail ho! Captain, it's a punitive squadron of three fast corvettes and they got the wind sir! Comin' in fast!"

The captain nodded and called out; "Jonsey! Bring me my brown pants!"
 
Crazy Thoughts:

-If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?

-If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?

-Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

-Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? If they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.

-Do penguins have knees?

-Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?

-How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?

-Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

-If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
 
Little Johnny is a devout Christian and takes the Bible WAY to seriously. In the middle of his 3rd grade science class, Little Johnny is learning about whales from his mean stickler and atheist teacher.

Teacher: Class, today we are learning about whales.

Class: YAY!!!!!

Teacher: Now, to begin with, the private parts on whales are called dorks, so never call anybody that name.

Class: Yes Mrs. Hamilton.

Teacher: Never call somebody a beached whale, it means they are fat and slow and isn't very nice.

Class: Yes Mrs. Hamilton.

Lil' Liza: Can we just learn about whales already.

Teacher: The rest of the class will, but for your disrespect, you are going to detention!

Lil' Liza: Yes Mrs. Hamilton.

Teacher: Now, whales don't have long pipes in their necks so they can't swallow anything bigger than krill.

Little Johnny: But what about Jonah, he was eaten by a whale!

Teacher: That's impossible, we know that Whales have small throats!

Little Johnny: But it says so in the Bible!

Teacher: Are you arguing with me?

Little Johnny: No ma'am.

Teacher: Good.

Little Johnny: When I go to heaven, I am going to prove you wrong and ask him!

Teacher: But what if Jonah didn't go to heaven?

Little Johnny: Oh, than would you mind asking him for me?
 
There is a man stranded in the middle of a Morrocan desert with nothing to eat or drink, he passes out. He awakes to find himself in a Spanish Mission on the coast and was nursed back to health by Father Diablo, the head abbot. When the man is feeling better he asks the Father a question, "Father Diablo, can I borrow your horse so I can ride to town and book myself on the next ship to Spain?"

"As a matter of fact my son," Diablo says, "You may have Leonardo for free, consider it a gift." So, the man mounts the horse and yells gideup, but the horse won't budge. He keeps yelling at it just as Father Diablo comes up.

"I have taught Leonardo to begin galloping when one says the words Thank God, and to stop by saying Prais the Lord."

"Ok, shouldn't be hard enough, Thank God!" The horse galloped as fast as it could through the desert to the Northern Port until the man and the horse took a wrong turn near the edge of the cliff! "STOP!" the man yells at the top of his lungs, yet the horse does nothing and keeps moving, "PRAISE THE LORD!" the horse stops right at the edge of the deepest canyon he ever saw. He wiped sweat away from his forhead as he muttered to himself, "Thank God!"


What do you think happened?
 
images-funny-cartoons-com-1.jpg
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
 
Got it.


A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,
"He's pissing in the fridge again."
 
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