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Joke thread

<!--quoteo(post=320636:date=May 18 2009, 01:02 PM:name=Death: Extra Crispy?)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Death: Extra Crispy? @ May 18 2009, 01:02 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=320636"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or
blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in
back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in,
you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/2009-05-10.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/2009-04-27.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Yep, that would work.
 
This one is just BEYOND brilliant! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/bow.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":bow" border="0" alt="bow.gif" />

<img src="http://www.3d-mariner.com/Sextant2.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
This really works!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/get-attachment-2aspx-2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<i>A little long, but stay with this one.</i> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />


The Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night..

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<b>The love story of Ralph and Edna.</b>

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you
want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph
and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the
hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the
deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled
him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of
Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put
him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/rmcn200l.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/ktyn148l.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> He should have had a paternity test.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/gspz1012.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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