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Joke thread

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her
life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was
ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail.
None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to
find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no
legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in
bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 
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A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a savy Mexican Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

"May I see your identification, por favor, señor?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," said the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have apicture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."

"This I must see," replied the agent. With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago, Senor."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how do you know I'm from Chicago ?"

"The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!"
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/crackofdawn.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
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Notice from the Department of Health:
<!--coloro:#DFCFBF--><span style="color:#DFCFBF"><!--/coloro--><!--sizeo:1--><span style="font-size:8pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Oink atchoo<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->
The first case of swine flu passing between a human and a computer has now been confirmed.
<!--coloro:#E8D8D0--><span style="color:#E8D8D0"><!--/coloro--><!--sizeo:2--><span style="font-size:10pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Oink atchoo<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->
If you suspect that your computer has been infected, you should wash your hands, the keyboard, the mouse and the screen with disinfectant.
<!--coloro:#F4E0D8--><span style="color:#F4E0D8"><!--/coloro--><!--sizeo:3--><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Oink Atchoo<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->
If symptoms persist, please arrange for the computer to be placed in quarantine and if necessary destroyed.
<!--coloro:#FF0000--><span style="color:#FF0000"><!--/coloro--><!--sizeo:5--><span style="font-size:18pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->OINK! ATCHOO!<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

' Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again..

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

' Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
 
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<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/get-attachmentaspx-5.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time.. 'No, this is no good . I've got this problem with my shoulder I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . .


"Ok Monica, you're free to go..."
 
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