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Joke thread

The scurvvywag was having a beer in the local tavern, as the pirate enters, orders a round for everybody and slashes a stack of golden coins on the bartable.

The scurvvywag noticed, the pirate had a wooden leg, his right hand was a hook and an eyepatch was covering one of his eyes. He turned towards the pirate:

-"Oh, at least piracy seem to bring good fortune these days, aye?"
-"Well, I´ve seen better times!", the pirate answered. "Back then, the sea was full of galleons loaded to the waterline.."
-"Then excuse my curiousity, but how did you loose your leg?", the scyrvvywag continued.
-"A cannonball teard off me´leg when engaging some spaniards."
-"It must have been a terrible experience. Did you loose you hand in the same engagement?"
-"No, no no!", the pirate replied, "in a hurricane, me´matey got washed overboard and I had to rescue him. But I had to fight a shark first, and it bid off me´hand!"
-"Horrible experience! Cheers!". The scurvvywag again tried to keep the conversation going: "But please tell me.. how did you loose your eye?"
The pirate looked down, all of a sudden a little shy. "Well..One day I look up in the friggin´ riggin´ and this pooh from an albatross landed right in me´eye.."
The scurvvywag got really curious now:" Really, no one ever lost an eye for a pooh! How come you lost it, then?!"
-"Ooh well.." the pirate still shy. "First day with me´new hand, ya know.."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/dailygag.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Due to today's rapidly changing stock market, the following terms have
had to be revised for investors in order to more clearly reflect today's economic condition:

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.


BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an
investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Last year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Just think...if the Indians had given
the Pilgrim Fathers a donkey instead
of a turkey we would all be having a
piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/2ns1h5sjpg.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A woman walks into a bar and sits down, she notices a man sitting a couple seats down. She watches as he downs a shot, runs to the window, jumps out, flies around the building and then sits back down.

Astounded the woman asked how he did this.

He answered, "magic shot." She tells him to do it again to prove it.

He slams another shot and repeats his performance.

The man looks at her and says "go ahead give it a try." The woman orders a shot, slams it, runs and jumps out the window and falls to her death.

The bartender looks over at the man and says "You know Superman, you can be a real asshole when your drunk."
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
A young mom I know related this to me a few days ago...

"...I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 AM. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, my.. we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

She's never going back to that doctor......... Ever.
 
I am sure he has seen worse. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who
Worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH .

One day the airport was fogged in and they
Were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink
Jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high
Octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
Good he feels. In fact he feels GREA T! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a
Hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no
Hangover, nothing. We ought to do this More often."


"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver .."
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://www.jorisaja.nl/coppermine-anims/albums/animated%20gifs/Emoticons-Overige%20anims/cartoon%20gifs/man-farting.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
That took a lot of effort on his part. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yes.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":yes" border="0" alt="yes.gif" />
 
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