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Joke thread

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.



As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/halloween-cartoon-comic-strip.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/computer04.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgZKjJt-TkU&feature=related" target="_blank">Iphone</a>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw2nkoGLhrE&feature=related" target="_blank">I-rack</a>
 
Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mybad.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":facepalm" border="0" alt="mybad.gif" /> Those blonde jokes are just meh to me. I find it insulting against women who are wise and have blonde hair. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/unsure.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":?" border="0" alt="unsure.gif" /> Discriminating I should say. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ko.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":ko" border="0" alt="ko.gif" />

<!--quoteo(post=282352:date=Oct 7 2008, 07:32 PM:name=Skyliner)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Skyliner @ Oct 7 2008, 07:32 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=282352"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgZKjJt-TkU&feature=related" target="_blank">Iphone</a>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw2nkoGLhrE&feature=related" target="_blank">I-rack</a><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> The latter one was just.. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> Seriously.
 
<img src="http://i512.photobucket.com/albums/t329/rainingwarmsnow/iQuit.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
You know what is fun... Making blonde jokes when you are a guy with long blond hair like me <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_mrgreen1.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":cheeky" border="0" alt="icon_mrgreen1.gif" />. Then they aren't insulting because you are a blondy yourself <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_mrgreen1.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":cheeky" border="0" alt="icon_mrgreen1.gif" />
 
Ah. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />

<!--quoteo(post=282733:date=Oct 8 2008, 04:13 AM:name=Stallion)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Stallion @ Oct 8 2008, 04:13 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=282733"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><img src="http://i512.photobucket.com/albums/t329/rainingwarmsnow/iQuit.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/halloween12.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<!--coloro:#FF8C00--><span style="color:#FF8C00"><!--/coloro-->One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemeteryjust for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"<!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->
 
<!--coloro:#FF8C00--><span style="color:#FF8C00"><!--/coloro-->Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door
You have to have someone chew the candy for you
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.<!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->
 
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home - taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed
on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm
voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held
it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
butt-naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

"Oh, good grief" yelled Ethel, "Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again!"
 
NOTE: Please do not read if you are easily offended by tacky racial jokes.

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"
 
This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"
 
<img src="http://i345.photobucket.com/albums/p384/kayleighbugg/FUNNY.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u2/smluuvslm/takemykids240x320.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s84/Jaclyn2288/big1255520.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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