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    Maelstrom New Horizons


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Joke thread

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An old couple were watching television one evening.
The wife said "I am going to get a dish of ice cream".
The husband said "I will get you the ice cream".
"I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said.
"I won't forget" he said.
"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I should write it down" she said.
"I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said.

A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs... and she said "You know, I should have written it down because you forgot the damn toast"
 
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”
 
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For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

@ Old Salt...I like the one that goes like " Anything you say can be held against you in a court of law..." from the buxom police officer...

And the dirty old man says "Boobies"
 
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A Russian and a American southern boy wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the southern boy's coach came over to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done here on this Russian. He aint never lost a match cause of his 'pretzel' submission hold that he's got. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're done!" The southern boy nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the southern boy and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the southern boy, twistin' him around and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel submission hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands 'cause he knew his boy was a gonner. He couldn't watch what was about to happen.

Suddenly there was a loud scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach turned and looked up just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the southern boy collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The coach was amazed!! His boy had won the match!!! When he finally got his boy alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was all ready to give up when he got me all twisted up in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this big pair of nuts hanging in my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those nuts just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "Wow that's amazing, so that's what finished him off?" "Well, not really. You'd be amazed about just how strong you can get when you bite yerself in the balls."
 
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A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world.

When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

A little girl turned around an looked at him and said. " So what, I'm four."
 
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