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Joke thread

<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/valentine03.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/relationship02.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Guess he should have seen that coming.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/nonsmokingsection.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<b>AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES</b>

>

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else

to hold them while you chop.

>

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using

the sink.

>

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a

few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use

a timer.

>

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from

rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

>

If you have a bad cough, take a large dos e of laxatives; then you'll

be afraid to cough.

>

You only need two tools in life - WD40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't

move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the

duct tape.

>

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

>

And if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical

problem.

>

Daily Thought:

>

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY

BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

>
 
The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?"
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/dogs-2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/1.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
> An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his
> cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round
> of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a
> typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
>
> Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
> Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home,
> folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
>
> Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
> "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
>
> The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby
> that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how
> big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
>
> The proud father answ ers, "Seventeen pounds."
>
> The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a ! little suspicious. "What
> happened? He
> already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
>
> The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his
> shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
>
> "We had him circumcised."
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> So true.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/gspz0814.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Frankie sings MySpace.

<a href="http://americancomedynetwork.com/animation.html?bit_id=25239" target="_blank">http://americancomedynetwork.com/animation.html?bit_id=25239</a>
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yes.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":yes" border="0" alt="yes.gif" />
 
>> Little Johnny went up to his father and said, 'Dad,
>> the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between
>> potentially and realistically. Can you help me?'
>>
>>The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask
>> your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
>> dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
>> million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt
>> for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from
>> that.'

>> So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would
>> you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied,
>> 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house
>> and send you kids to a great university!'
>>
Little Johnny then went to his sister and asked ,
>>'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you Nuts?!!'
>>
>>Little Johnny then went to his brother and asked,
>> 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?''Of
>> course, the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would
>> buy?'
>>
>> Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then
>> went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
>>between potentially and realistically?'
>>
>>Little Johnny replied,
> Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.........
>>
>>But Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a
>> queer.
 
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