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Joke thread

A blonde in Canada wanted to do a spot of ice fishing. So after getting all the right tools together, she headed towards the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the women moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the women moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
She raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
 
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 
Blackbeard was well known for putting burning matches in his beard before going into battle. Another tactic for terrifying his enemies was his pet parrots, which he fed on a diet of baked beans coated with curry powder. A well fed parrot sitting on Blackbeard's shoulder, next to one of the lit matches, would take off like a rocket - literally. And it was these birds, with a sharp beak at one end and a flaming streak at the other, which really struck terror into enemy sailors. Not many survived to tell the tale, but those who did spoke with dread of the Parrots of the Curried Bean.
 
A blonde, a brunette & a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in & after filling out the forms & going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her a last question, "How many D's are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?"

The brunette thinks for a second & responds, "One."

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same & at the end, "How many D's are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?"

She immediately says, "One.."

The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know."

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions & finally gets asked, "How many D's are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?"

She gets a very serious look on her face & starts counting her fingers, muttering, "2, 4, 6… hmmm – wait… 2, 4, 6… Can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer, "Thirty two!"

The interviewer is stunned & asks her, "OK, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

The blonde sings, "da da da daaaa, da da daaa......"
 
Whahahaaa! A John Williams joke! Awesome! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/675077.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished. 

John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy." 

Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do." 

 
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? One to hold the udders and ten to lift the cow up and down.
 
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
 
Someboby actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield that said, "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
 
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.


Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
 
Have you heard about the butcher who backed into the bacon-slicing machine and got a little behind in his customers orders?
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
That sucks! Yarr! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/urgh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":urgh" border="0" alt="urgh.gif" /> ..that was a balloon not a real naked man. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mybad.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":facepalm" border="0" alt="mybad.gif" />
 
Did you hear about my dog? I called him Stay. It was great fun, "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/Somebodytalked.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/bubbles.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
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