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Joke thread

Old Salt

Old Salt

Asylum escapee
Public Relations
Post some of the better ones you've heard here...




<i>On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"</i>
 
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
 
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
 
Blonde called her husband on job: " Please help me, I am going nut, I can put the puzzle together! "
Husband: " All right, all right, just stay calm, I`ll help you when I return home. "

<i> after couple hours husband returned home</i>: " Ok, I see where is the problem. Please, put the Cornflakes back to the box and go to sleep. "
 
<img src="http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/shark.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
see, now that last one WAS funny. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile2.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":))" border="0" alt="smile2.gif" />
 
<img src="http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/6beers.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
that's just wierd. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" /> i like those things.
 
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
 
Harr! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment
and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "You haven't changed a bit"
 
<b>Bumper Stickers</b>


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
 
<!--quoteo(post=194635:date=May 14 2007, 08:31 AM:name=Old Salt)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Old Salt @ May 14 2007, 08:31 AM) [snapback]194635[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><b>Bumper Stickers</b><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
"Normal People Scare Me"
 
<b>More bumper stickers:</b>


PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals

Look out! I drive just like you.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made 'em out of meat.

My child was INMATE OF THE MONTH at the county jail.

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

I'm not losing hair, I'm getting head.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.
 
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
A blonde pushes her new BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it sputtered and just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is running smoothly.

She asks, "What's the story, how did you fix it so quick?"

He replies, "Just crap in the fuel injector"

She says, "Yuuuuk, how often do I have to do that?"
 
Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
 
Here's one that touched my heart.....

A woman was surfing one day when she happened to find a bottle floating in the ocean and when she picked it up, a great genie appeared.

"This is terrific," the woman said. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?" she inquired.

"Yes," replied the genie, <i><b>"But be careful, for whatever you wish for, since I am a male Genie, your husband will get ten times greater." </i></b>

So, the woman thought and smiled and she finally said, "Make me the best surfer at my break."

The genie told her, "You will be the best female surfer at your break, but you know your husband will be ten times better."

"Okay," she said, "Give me a million dollars."

The genie replied, "It is granted, but your husband now has ten million dollars." The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely."

And the woman replied, "Give me a slight heart attack."


Damn, that bit*h, she always wanted the last laugh...thankfully I loved her ....with all of my heart...
 
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